The Duck Joke and Other Cosmic Quandaries

TRANSCRIPT:  
Lindsey:  Nicole -
Wussuper chick?  Nuttin' here.  I'm just really bored!  We are going back home from Houston.  We're in a lot of traffic!!!  We are on I-45.  Whatever!  Just telling ya.  So did you get your swimsuit?  I hope you did!  It's pretty bad-ass! Tony ______ wrote in my yearbook:  "Damn - you looked good all year!  Have fun - Tony".  I was all, "DAMN"!  Shit, Nicole - He is, like, the finest guy in school!!!  He's up there with Barclay & Rob!  But the bad thing is - he's f*ing taken!  They're gonna break up, though.  That's what I heard because they both want to be free in the summer.  I'm gonna get Pedro to sign it.  I wanna see what he will write.  Probably like "Hey... -Pedro".  No, he probably won't even write "Hey".  He'll probably just sign his name.  He looks pretty good in the yearbook!  But in the class favorites picture his hair is all messed up. 

We might stop at the Nike outlet.  I hope we do!  It's only 5 exits away.

I love the yearbook!  You have to save me 1 page, okay?!  I can write like a gang girl.  BABY RAY.  That says "Baby Ray".  Reynaldo taught me.  Cool, huh?!
*Anyways*
This note is getting kinda long!  So, gotta jet! 

2, 3 or 4!?
Up to here!
Duck joke!
He's gotta great tan!
Blue moon!

Love always,
Lindsey

PS - I'll miss you.



Wow, there's a lot to cover here so I'll get right down to it... I just looked up Tony in the yearbook.  Yeah, definitely NOT the finest guy at school. I guess if I had to pick, I'd say Barclay.  He was the only one too hot for me to crush on.  Then again, there were a TON of hot guys in that 7th grade class.  Is it weird that I'm almost 30 and talking about hot 7th graders? I feel like this is heading in a strange, borderline-inappropriate place so I'm gonna back up...

You see all those inside jokes she listed up there?  A few of them I don't remember, but the "He's gotta great tan" is a pretty funny one... Lindsey said that when describing a guy, possibly Pedro but I don't remember, and I had to remind her that it wasn't a tan... he was Mexican.  Happens all the time, I'm sure.  And the duck joke?!  That shit is STILL my signature joke.  Ask any of my close friends and they'll tell you they've heard it.  It's the least-offensive punch line in my arsenal.

Lastly, I'm not sure what Pedro ended up signing in Lindsey's yearbook, but he definitely poured his heart out in mine:

Took me a while to see what he was REALLY trying to say (hint:  Please Meet me Sometime).  Good thing I didn't save him a whole page like I did Lindsey and the other girls:

I'm finding it just a wee-bit presumptuous of them to think I could afford to reserve all that yearbook real estate.  Did they ever consider that maybe I have, like, a TON of friends who need their own space to write me their regards?!  You can't just pluck people's yearbooks out of their hands and put little "Reserved for so-and-so" signs on the pages and assume they won't run out of space from the HUNDREDS of other people waiting to sign their yearbook.  Turns out that wasn't the case for me, but that's not the point!  Greedy little teenagers!

Nikpoo

TRANSCRIPT:
Jupoo:  Foxy + [Sugar] = B/F/F/E
Dear Nicole,
My math class sucks hard (NERDS).  Are you having fun in school?  Will your mom pay $25.00 for you to ride the bus with me?  Call me tonight or [maybe] we can spend the night [together].  Kelly _____ is stupid and ugly and a [IDIOT].  I hate her.  [Which] is your best class and your [worst] class?  Write back, I've run out of things to say.  Bye-bye.
Julie
Jupoo
Jules
or
Foxy

Natalie is Nattypoo
and I'm Jupoo
and you're Nikpoo



Ohhhh, I see.  She was misspelling all those words to be ironic, because only an EDIT would confuse "which" and "witch".  Right?  Maby not...  And "hate" is such a strong word.  Are you sure you HAAAAATE her?  There were all kinds of people I didn't like in 7th grade, but I'm not sure I can say I actually "hated" anyone.  Unless they were teachers, in which case I hated them all.  Except Mr. Miller.  He taught math, which of course was my favorite subject (nerd alert), and he used to call me Bridget because he said I looked like Bridget Fonda in Point of No Return.  I don't see it.

The Friend Zone

TRANSCRIPT:  
Marleta:  NICOLE -
Wuz up?  Nothin much here, just chillin.  Timmy just asked me out.  I said MAYBE.  I want to say "No", though.  I'm going to ask out Justin ____!  I don't think I'll be able to spend the night Saturday!  Do you think we could go to Funscape?  I hope so!

Love,
Marleta
W/B



Ah, the Friend Zone.  I was totally there with dreamboat Jesse.  Nothing like hearing your crush talk about his girl problems.  "Why can't I meet a nice, normal girl?  Boohoo."  UMM, HELLOO?!?!  Ok, I'm not normal, but I'm totally nice and can be sort of cute if you look at me in the right light (or no light).  But poor Timmy.  He was President and CEO of the GMS Friend Zone.  SUPER nice guy, always making everyone laugh (his nickname was "Dopey"), and always willing to listen to your problems.  But he was short, and that's a deal breaker at any age.  I think he asked out every one of us at some point in the 7th grade.  Most of us just said no, but some of us... I don't want to mention any names... would tell him "Maybe" or "I'll think about it" just to give themselves more time to let him down gently.  I can only hope he's crazy-hot and swimming in riches now, so we can all feel like assholes.

Is There Really A Difference?

Aww, it's ok.  I get the two confused, too.  Not like in a gay way or anything. 

Just A Friendly Reminder...

In case you forgot.

Fast Times at Grapevine Middle

TRANSCRIPT:
Alecia:  Nicole,
Hey girl, wuz up?  My teeth feel really slimy.  Do yours?  I really hate Mrs. Pritchard because she treats us like babies.  Does Mrs. Lahart?
*Anyways*
I don't know who I like. I like someone but I don't want to tell anyone just in case they accidentally open their mouth.  I HATE Coach Holnolka!!!  Do you?  Better let you go.
Love ya like a sis,
Alecia

PS - W/B ASAP



Can't imagine why our teachers would treat us refined, mature young adults like babies.  How rude!  Of course, the one exception to this was Miss Cartwright.  I can neither confirm nor deny this, but I may or may not have seen her handing out cigarettes and condoms to some of my classmates.  Hey now, I'm not hatin'; we all thought she was cool as shit at the time.  But looking back I can see how bass ackwards it was that she was more interested in being our buddy than being our teacher.  I couldn't tell you a single thing I learned in her class, but I have TONS of pictures of all of us hanging out with her and goofing around in there:
Here's a class photo.  Can you spot the teacher?

And here's one of of Miss Cartwright... crowd surfing.

Yeah, woo hoo, screw school!

And Now For Something Completely Different

 Get it?  It's funny because I have this blog, but it's about letters people wrote me... so... technically... and then this picture isn't mine... so... oh, nevermind.  How can I expect anyone to understand the irony when they can barely understand an Instagram policy update.  "OH MY GOSH, this article is telling me, in admittedly speculative terms, that Instagram may or may not start selling my photos without my permission.  I MUST DELETE MY INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE IMMEDIATELY!!!!"  And we blame the media for the dissemination of false information?!?!?!  They can't do it without your help, Buck-o!  If I had a nickel for every time someone re-posted something that was totally false and could easily be disproven by a quick google search (I'm looking at you, people who re-posted that pic of the guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier "during hurricane Sandy", or more accurately, during a completely different, totally run-of-the-mill rainshower 2 months before)...

...wait, what was I talking about? Shit.