Fast Times at Grapevine Middle

TRANSCRIPT:
Alecia:  Nicole,
Hey girl, wuz up?  My teeth feel really slimy.  Do yours?  I really hate Mrs. Pritchard because she treats us like babies.  Does Mrs. Lahart?
*Anyways*
I don't know who I like. I like someone but I don't want to tell anyone just in case they accidentally open their mouth.  I HATE Coach Holnolka!!!  Do you?  Better let you go.
Love ya like a sis,
Alecia

PS - W/B ASAP



Can't imagine why our teachers would treat us refined, mature young adults like babies.  How rude!  Of course, the one exception to this was Miss Cartwright.  I can neither confirm nor deny this, but I may or may not have seen her handing out cigarettes and condoms to some of my classmates.  Hey now, I'm not hatin'; we all thought she was cool as shit at the time.  But looking back I can see how bass ackwards it was that she was more interested in being our buddy than being our teacher.  I couldn't tell you a single thing I learned in her class, but I have TONS of pictures of all of us hanging out with her and goofing around in there:
Here's a class photo.  Can you spot the teacher?

And here's one of of Miss Cartwright... crowd surfing.

Yeah, woo hoo, screw school!

And Now For Something Completely Different

 Get it?  It's funny because I have this blog, but it's about letters people wrote me... so... technically... and then this picture isn't mine... so... oh, nevermind.  How can I expect anyone to understand the irony when they can barely understand an Instagram policy update.  "OH MY GOSH, this article is telling me, in admittedly speculative terms, that Instagram may or may not start selling my photos without my permission.  I MUST DELETE MY INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE IMMEDIATELY!!!!"  And we blame the media for the dissemination of false information?!?!?!  They can't do it without your help, Buck-o!  If I had a nickel for every time someone re-posted something that was totally false and could easily be disproven by a quick google search (I'm looking at you, people who re-posted that pic of the guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier "during hurricane Sandy", or more accurately, during a completely different, totally run-of-the-mill rainshower 2 months before)...

...wait, what was I talking about? Shit.

I'll Remember...

TRANSCRIPT:
Lindsey:   Nicole,

I'll remember the trees
I'll remember the grass
I'll remember your face looked just like your ass!

It took me like 2 seconds.  Cool, huh?  Now you think of one!  I'll love you always!
Smile!
Love, your best friend,
Lindsey



Hardy-har-har!  It's funny b/c she's saying I have a butt face!  Ok, my turn:

Roses are red
Bacon is red
Poems are hard
Bacon

I didn't write this, but I did take the time to re-type it.  So it counts for something.

How Sad It's Not Me

TRANSCRIPT:
JuPoo - That guy is fine - the boy who was arrested.
Nicole,
Hey, what are ya doing?  I am sitting laying on the couch.  Do you still love JT?  Guess who Tony likes?  How sad it's not me.

Bye!
Jules or JuPoo

New York is singing - Now it's [no idea what this says] to be or not to be



You know what never gets old?  Jupoo's "I love Tony" references.  You know what's weird?  Having the hots for the boy that was arrested.  You know what's awesome?  This drawing of Shelly... with short, spiky hair... smoking a cigarette.

I'm Such A Looser

TRANSCRIPT:
Natalie: To - Nicole
From - your fav. person - B-F-F in the whole world!
(I know what your thinking right now!)  (That I'm a looser)

9-1-96

I Love JE
U Love DR

Nicole,
Hey, tell your new friend I said HI! So what are you doing this weekend?  I'm so happy this is a short week!  This is the first letter I've written you this school year.  I don't have anything to say.
W-B-S
Call me!
B-F-F
Natalie

Her best friend.  STAY AWAY!!!!!!



"I know what your thinking right now.  That I'm a looser".  No, dear.  That's not what I'm thinking at all.  I'm just wondering why you never bothered to enter into that spelling bee.  Perhaps you could have used a nice, educational vacation to Nerd City.  Just remember, she's MY bff.  So STAY AWAY, Nerd City-ans!!!!

PS, I'm starting to get down to the scrappy leftovers in this note box of mine.  If anyone has some of their own to contribute, please feel free to send them my way!  Email an image and transcript of the letter, as well as any pertinent info/background to andimeanteveryword@gmail.com.  If you send me inappropriate crap, like a naked pic of yourself, I will post it online with a copy of your name, address and facebook profile and blast that shit to ALL of my 50 or so friends.  And a lot of them are friends with, like, over 100 people so when they start re-posting that stuff it's all over for you PAL!

Tony Toni Tone

TRANSCRIPT:
Alicia:   Dear Nicole K,
Hey, wuz up?  I'm just sitting in Mr. Herlin's class writing you this letter!  I'm passing everything!  I still like Anthony.  I miss him so much.  You know who I think is cute?  Carlos!  He's mexican and he used to hang out with Eddie.  Yes, I'm going to Funscape.  Are you friends with Tony ______?  He's so funny.  Do you still like JT?  Do you miss Austin?  Well I gotta go.  Please write back.
Love,
Alicia
PS - Call Me:
***-****
Voicemail:
***-****



Man, what is it with this Tony guy?  Does he have beer-flavored nipples or something?  Or was it that half-grown, patchy 'stache of his?  Made him look hella-older than he was.  Today, it would make him look hella-predatorish.  My, how our priorities change.  And voicemail?!  As in, the kind where you had to call a separate number for it?  How vintage!  If you ever wondered what came before pagers, that was it.  If you were REALLY lucky, you had your own line.  But for the rest of us who just absolutely couldn't miss a thing you had to say, we had voicemail.  You'd call in, and our outgoing message would have whatever the popular song of the time was playing in the background before we did our "Hey, you've reached so-and-so" speil.  I remember someone had "Twisted" as their song.  I'd sometimes call just to hear the song.  Of course, I didn't have voicemail.  I think there was a 10-friend minimum to get one, and I was just shy... of 5.  Loser.

AS IF!

TRANSCRIPT:
Justin -  Dear Nicole,
As if I am so mad at Cortney!
PS, Don't show anyone.



AS IF?!  I'm surprised this Justin even wrote me a note.  He was a total Baldwin (who I dated for like a minute in 6th grade), and I was no Betty.  Plus he was, like, totally buggin' over Cortney, even though she was with Cole.  Or something like that.  These old letters are like the Cliffs Notes of my middle school existence so I'm only getting the summed-up version.  But I'm pretty sure there was some kind of love triangle there.  Which is silly, because searching for a boy in middle school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go attend a tree-planting with Marky Mark.

Counselor's Office

Wonder why I had to go to the counselor's office... IMMEDIATELY.  Maybe they needed to counsel me on my fashion choices:

What beautiful background scenery.  Too bad the amount of hairspray I used on those bangin' bangs was enough to create an ozone hole big enough to wipe out that entire landscape.  Ahh, the 90's...

Friendly Competition

TRANSCRIPT:
Natalie:  always carry M with 2 hands
Nicole,
From now on if ______ asks one of us out we have to say yes now that _____ is out of the way.
Love, Natalie



BITCHES!  Don't worry, _____ never asked either of us out, so we all lost that game.  Just remember - always carry M with 2 hands.  Whatever the f* that means.

JNCO Etiquette

TRANSCRIPT:
Lance:   Nicole,
Hey!  Your hand was going to say you suck at basketball.  But I was j/k
-anyways-
My JNCO's are short because I'm short.  Are you going to the dance or the movies with Jesse and Denise and them?  Oh yeah.  We were just writing about who I like.  Now my stomach hurts.
W*G*G
Love ya,
Lance

PS - Write Back
PPS - I like JT & DA



Ugh!  It used to drive me crazy how his JNCOs would come up above his shoes.  What's lamer than a pair of high-waters?  JNCO high-waters!!!  The rules of fashion are simple and finite, and if you get caught breaking them you best believe Imma call you out on it.  Too bad no one was around to call me out on my own law breaking.  Like when I would borrow Natalie's bad-ass Nikes even though they were 2 sizes too small.  Or my pension for wearing my sister's shirts and dresses even though they were too big in the chest area.  Funny story - one time I wore one of her Nike shirts to school and a classmate points at my shirt and says "Nike rocks!".  Only I thought he said "Nice rocks!".  So I was all "Excuse me?!" And he was all "I said 'Nike rocks!".  And them I'm like "Ooooh, I thought you said 'Nice rocks'".  And he goes "Pssshhh, more like 'Nice pebbles'".  Luckily the whole class heard him, and we all had a nice chuckle.

And that's how "Pebbles" became my 8th grade nickname. 

Nut Up, Bro!

TRANSCRIPT:
Paul:  Dear Nicole,
What's Up/Down/All Around?  I'm fine.  How was your church and weekend?  Mine was fine.  Are you breaking up with me?  That made it sound like it.  So how was your cousin?  My cousin is 6'5" and is 21.  Does she know J.T. girl?
*N-E*Ways
Friday night I felt so sad and I wanted to hold you and make you feel better!  So here's a rose to you from me.
Cheer up!  Gotta go!
SMILE
Most smiles start with yours
Pitty the poor Aggies who thought gatorade was welfare for the crocodiles
PS - W/B/S



Seriously, WHY DID I DATE THIS GUY?  We've already established that 1) he's ugly and 2) the only reason I dated him was that he was a year older and I thought it would make me cooler (hint:  it didn't).  But he comes off as such a needy, redundant LOSER.  Stop whining for a second and NUT UP, BRO!  No one cares how tall your 21-year-old cousin is.  And thanks for drawing me a shitty rose on a piece of paper, but is that supposed to make me feel better about dating a weirdo like you?  Because it doesn't.  Oh, and your Aggie joke is stupid, so stop including it in EVERY LETTER you write me.   I hope this guy made out OK in life, but I have to assume the closest he's ever been to getting laid is via his Second Life avatar. 

Hej Min Förälskelse!

TRANSCRIPT:
Julie:  Nicole,
Hey, what are you doing?  Do you still like Fred?  Bob was not here today.  I don't have very much to say so this letter will be kind of short.  Well NEWays, do you think Natalie still likes Tony?  I can't believe she likes someone more than the Wet-N-Wild guy.  Maybe you can spend the night tomorrow.  Miss Hill is going to be mad that I'm quitting All-Region but my mom said I had to because I had too much stuff to do on Thursday.  I have that Ace of Base song stuck in my head again.  Darn it.

Bye Bye,
Julie



Wait, Natalie likes Tony now?  The same Tony that Julie LOVES?!  The plot thickens.  Props to Jupoo for the Wet-N-Wild shout out.  The youngens might know it as "Hurricane Harbor", but it will forever be W-N-W to us.  They always had the HOTTEST lifeguards.  We'd do laps around the lazy river just to get a glimpse of that cutie over by the bridge, in his tight red shorts and white visor.  Whew, did it get a little warm in here, or is it just me dipping my toes into the cougar pool?  And DARN IT, now that Ace of Base song is stuck in MY head! Don't turn around......
 
Side note - Holy crap, Sweden sure does put out some bitchin' bands.  Here are just a few examples of awesome that hail from the land of the Vikings:
Ace of Base
Robyn
The Cardigans
No Fun At All
Millencolin
Satanic Surfers
Peter, Bjorn and John
The Sounds
Miike Snow
The Hives

I Want Some Answers!

TRANSCRIPT:
Natalie:   To - Nicole
From - Natalie
B-F-F
Until you go to the other school and forget about me!  So you feel guilty!

Nicole,
Go to Grapevine.  Have your mom take you to school and ride VanGo home.  Please!
B-F-F
-Natalie-

I want some answers!



Umm, sorry but as much as moving from our cozy 2-story house to a tiny apartment on the other side of town SUCKED, there was no way in hell I was going to ride VanGo any longer than I needed to.  For the uninformed, VanGo was a nifty little shuttle service for those kids whose working-class (aka POOR) families lived outside the bus zones.  Nothing about getting into a giant white kidnapper van with the words "VAN GO" on it was cool.  Especially when they picked us up right by where all the 8th graders would hang out after school, being all cool and shit.  You want some answers?  I WANT LESS LOSER POINTS!  Besides, CTMS ended up being awesome, I didn't forget about you, and we all lived happily ever after.

I Do Enjoy Writing These Pointless Things

TRANSCRIPT: 
Pedro:  NICOLE
Hey sexy, bet you didn't think you were gonna get a typed note today, huh?  So, what's up?  Obviously not much here.  Mrs. Goodwin left so this is what I'm doing to kill time.  I suck, you ____!  Class really sucks when all you can do is sit a type a letter to you.  But, I can do anything I want right now.  I'm just choosing to sit ant type a letter.  Really, I do enjoy writing these pointless things.
NEWAYS
Romeo and Juliet should be real good.  I just hope you can go.  Oops, I just ran out of paper.
Love,
Pedro



Wow, drop the 'tude, dude.  I'm sure there are plenty of things more lame than typing me a letter, right?  Like highlighting every other word in an alternating color?!  The good news is I think ole' loverboy just summed up my entire blog theme in one sentence:  "Really, I do enjoy writing these pointless things".  His sarcasm speaks volumes, especially to a gal who now makes a hobby of posting all of these pointless things for your entertainment.  ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?! And yes, Romeo and Juliet was real good.  It was pretty f*ing awesome, actually.  It also had the second-best movie soundtrack of the nineties.  After Reality Bites, of course.  He's a movie star, only drives rented cars. Met him in a bar, I said "I know who you are"... TOOK HIM TO MY PARTY, AS THE GAMES WERE STARTING, BOTTLE'S ON THE GROUND, ARE YOU READY NOW?! 

Now you have that song in your head.  I'll bet you're downloading it on itunes right now. You're welcome.

Nicole Sucks

TRANSCRIPT:
Nicole (me):  Joseph, PLEASE tell me why you said my name!
Nicole Kenning
Joseph:  I said "Nicole Sucks" just to be kidding.

Substitute Teachers

TRANSCRIPT:

Cortney:  2-15-96

Nicole Kenning,

Hey, howdy, hello, hi!  How’s it going?  Not much here in Mrs. Pritchard’s class.  We have a substitute.  It’s awesome.

*anyways*

What are you doing right now?  Who do you like?  I like Cole a lot.  Who did you have your eye on?  How come you won’t tell me?

I

LOVE

COLE!

Well, gotta go.

Love always,

Cortney

W/B this period!

Poor substitute teachers.  Occasionally you got stuck with a crazy, but for the most part if you had a sub you knew you weren’t doing shit that day.  We always assumed it was because they were idiots and had no idea what they were doing.  Looking back I can see the truth – most of them are unemployed former teachers just looking for a scrap of a job.  They know what they’re doing, but the kids are assholes and won’t respect them because they know it’s just temporary.  I can’t begin to describe the crap my peers put these people through.  In high school there was even a walk out on one of our subs.  The whole class just got up and left.  I didn’t want to participate, but I also didn’t want to be the only nerdy bird staying behind.  I was already hurting for cool points from the time I stuck up for my geometry teacher when this one guy kept making fun of her.  It was the crowning achievement in my quest for dork-hood.  Whatever, the joke’s on them because I made the highest grade ever in that class – 104! GO ME!  Man, I’m a loser…

That Bill Nye Guy Sucks!

TRANSCRIPT:
Lindsey:  5/16/97
Nicole -
*Wussup-er?*
Nuttin much here!  I think that Bill Nye sucks a hard d***!
Well anyways, thanks for letting me borrow your Makaveli c.d. even though I got into a little trouble.  Oh well.  She took the shit I gave her.  I'll give it to you after 5th period, ok?
Well, gotta go!
Love always -
Lindsey

Monday is gonna be so bad ass!
Save me a dance today, ok?  J/J



Well, hello there!  I hope the 5 of you that actually read my blog had a great Thanksgiving holiday.  I know I did.  Can't say the same for my colon.

Today I start by saying "What the hell, Lindsey?!".  Bill Nye (and his sweet bow tie) was, is and always will be a bad-ass.  End of story.  Like, seriously, not even up for discussion.  The Makaveli cd, on the other hand, is.  Can someone please explain to me how a Staind cd can still have a presence in my enormous cd collection, but that Makaveli cd somehow went missing years ago?  I mean, the Staind cd isn't mine.  A friend left it.  In my cd case.  And put my initials on it. 

I'm so ashamed.

Love Is The Best And Worst Thing - Part 4

TRANSCRIPT:

Natalie: 

3-28-97 9:00 am

We’re leaving today.  I’m happy and sad.  Happy I’ll see my friends again, sad that Scott didn’t talk to me.  I’m sitting by the ocean.  Some parts are as blue and clear as a swimming pool!  Maybe I’m getting attached to guys I don’t know because I’m lonely:(  I’m supposed to see Jeff tomorrow, and I don’t want to, just when I get over him.  Completely all I can think about is Scott:(

It’s 1:00 pm . We took off 45 minutes late.  1:58 minutes to Houston.  I’m over Scott.  There’s this guy that reminds me of Jeff sitting in front of me.  He is fine.  Too bad he’s in college and lives in Nebraska.  I was standing next to him and he asked me if I was from Texas because of my accent.  He’s sitting in front of me to the right.  He has great hair.  The girl sitting next to me is named Natalie.  Got to go for now.

Hey, I wonder if you’re going to be home.  I’m still in the plane.  This guy in front of me is fine.  Seeing him makes me miss Jeff.  They have the same hair, eyes, neck, skin color.  All together I’ve written you and Alecia 20 pages of letters.  Well, I’m going to find out what Bryan said if not today then Monday.  I really don’t care anymore.  I’ve been hurt so many times it’s not worth it.  Love is the best and worst thing.

5:45

Well, we just left Intercontinental in Houston.  We missed our other flight.  I really hope you’re home.

What a climactic end to this 4-day journey into the heart and soul of our dear friend.  We start out hopeful.  She makes a very important (and accurate!) observation that she’s becoming attached to guys too quickly, most likely because she’s feeling lonely.  We begin to think that maybe our protagonist is on the road to recovery, with a new outlook on life and love…

KABLAM!  Bryan, who?!  Scott, schmott!  Check out the hottie on the plane!  I’m imagining her making googley eyes at him right now.  Like an addict discovering their old stash, I fear this setback may delay the crucial recovery of our heroine’s heart.  But alas, we end our saga with a victory – she no longer cares about Bryan!  A wise old friend of mine once wrote:  “We are young.  Heartache to heartache, we stand - no promises, no demands.  Love is a battlefield”.  If it took some creeper on the beach and a corn-husking hunk to get her over that doucheball, then so be it.  There is no war without casualties, so cheers to our friend for making it out of this battle alive, victorious and stronger than ever.   

TO THE VICTOR!

The End.

Love Is The Best And Worst Thing - Part 3

 

TRANSCRIPT:

Natalie: 

3-26-97 6:15 am

OH MY GOSH.  Last night I was sleeping and something jumped on me!  It was kinda big.  It was in my hair and I was screaming trying to get it out!  It scared me soooooooooooooo bad.  Well, we’re touring the island today.  After that we’re going to the clothes store.

3-27-97

I just got up.  All day today I’m working on my tan.  And tonight I’m a doing a strand of hair in that embroidery thread.  I’m only burnt on my nose and shoulders.  Right now I have that feeling where I don’t care ‘bout nothing (ya know what I mean?).  I got 2 shirts here, they’re really cute.  Well, got to go!

Ya know, I’m starting not to care so much about Bryan.  Because if he liked me things would have been different.  I’m just hung up on someone I can’t have. 

Later,

Natalie

Nicole, I really need some advice!  I was standing next to Palmer's (a restaurant) and I saw 3 guys walking in my direction.  He was sooooooooooo fine!  I gave him a “look”.  He didn’t respond, so I turned my back.  Then he walked up to me, put his arm around my waist and kinda squeezed me.  He then whispered in my ear “Hi”.  I turned around and said “Hi” back.  He smiled and walked off.  Before all this happened his friend said “Scott, you know you want her”.  At first I was like “Wow, I had a chance with him”.  He was at least 17 or 18.  But anyways, just by that 10 second interaction I already had “feelings” for him!  And I had so many questions and hopes.  

PLEASE HELP!

Bryan who?!  Looks like we have a new contender in the picture.  Nat must have a thing for “Scott”s.  Though I must say, this particular interaction had all the makings of a prime time Nancy Grace episode.  Seriously, after everything we know about strange boys and tropical islands, I’m not sure I can ever take my teenage daughter on vacation.  Especially if she’s a STAGE-5 clinger.  Geeze Louise, Nat!   At least she admits there’s a problem and is seeking help for it.  I can only hope by the end of this trip she’ll have gained a little perspective on how your feelings for certain people evolve and shape you as a person.  Blah, blah, blah.  Boys are dumb.