He Sags

TRANSCRIPT:
Denise: Dear Nicole,
Okay, here's the scoop:  David is about an inch taller than me (5'6") with brown hair but is now dyed or highlighted and looks totally good with it, too!  He sags and has cool clothes, unless he wears a tie-die shirt that he loves to wear but I haven't seen it on him for a while.  Maybe we're lucky and he got a big hole in the arm pit (ha-ha-ha).  Just kidding.  You better go to the movies this Friday and then go to six-flags on Sunday with 20 other people.  Anyways, better go!

Love always and forever,
Denise!!!
PS - Write Back



Oooh, he sags?!  Sign me up!  Nothing screams "sexy" like a skater boy's skiivies hanging out his Jnco's.  I wound up growing a pretty decent crush on this dude, fueled by Denise and Co.'s feverish attempts to hook us up.  He went to a different middle school but he lived in the apartments right across from mine and I used to watch him and his friends skateboard around the neighborhood.  So dreamy!  After some near-misses meeting up at the movies, we FINALLY got to hang out one afternoon.  He asked if I wanted to come over and see his new skateboard.  Uhhh, YEAH!  So there I was sitting on his bed, staring at him while he attached his old trucks to the new deck, nervous as shit and wondering how long it was gonna take.  And then he sat next to me.  Holy shit, this is happening!  He asked if he could kiss me - duh! - and we proceeded to make out like crazy.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand......... there went my David boner.  He was a horrible kisser, and the braces made it feel like I was being mouth raped by a bucket of rusty nails.

And that, folks, was the day braces became a deal breaker.